A friend of mine says, “Being honest is kind.”. I love that statement mostly because I am at a point in my life where I want friends to be honest. There is no shame in telling a friend that you can’t attend a concert because tickets are out of your budget. A friend should never feel bad if they have to prioritize family time instead of hanging out with me. I would hope a friend would tell me what I am asking them to do sounds miserable (like helping me paint my home interior). But this statement doesn’t just hold true in my personal life, I also value honesty in the workplace. 

Honesty can often be interpreted as being mean. I assume this is because we view people as being “too direct” or we are being told things we don’t want to hear. Whether we are discussing company feedback, peer interactions, or project performance, how can we expect anyone to grow if we never give or receive honest feedback?

There is one scenario that keeps popping into my head as I write this. It’s about a series of interactions with a colleague that I did not enjoy. What sticks out most to me about that past relationship was simply: I forgot I had a voice. I failed to remember that I, too, have needs on a given project. When I am honest with myself and my colleagues then I feel I can show up as my best self. Let’s take a look:

The Scenario

I worked with a guy (let’s call him Freddie), who was really good at his job, I mean great. He was phenomenal with clients, great at connecting dots, big personality. Truth be told, I hated (strong word, but true) working with him. Why? He commandeered any meeting even if it wasn’t his, because he always had an agenda. Multitasking during meetings (while on video) is one of his “strengths”, which I found to be super distracting. He often worked during team trainings because he didn’t feel he had anything more to learn.

This individual was booked 3 meetings wide all day and would drop calls halfway through to get on another. This is distracting and also does not show the client that we are prioritizing them. He was great at what he did and the company valued him. For this reason, I felt compelled to allow the behaviors to continue – even if it frustrated me. Even if it took my focus away from the task at hand.

I’ll be honest and say that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this person (professionally). While he was great at what he did, I hated how uncomfortable I felt in meetings with him. I am angry that I didn’t use my voice to tell him how I feel. I keep telling myself, “How could he have helped meet those needs if I never told him what they were?”. Being honest with him could have been the best thing for our professional relationship and the company. 

Today I want to use this blog post to talk through how I might follow the advice of my friend to be honest (with myself, my boss, my colleague) if I found myself in a similar situation today. Let’s take a look.

Talk to the individual directly

I get it. You are angry and have no desire to put forth the added effort to like this individual. That was probably the last thing you wanted to hear. It is important that you step outside of your comfort zone and talk to the individual directly about what you need from the working relationship. This way you don’t dread waking up for work every day. My advice is to level set (i.e. first listen to their perspective), talk through the experience from your perspective, and then clarify how you will work together moving forward. Why do I say that? 

When I do feedback talks I always think it is important to first get my employee’s input on how they believe they performed because this helps me gauge if there is a gap in how we view a certain situation / work performance. I then talk through the disconnect from my perspective and follow it up with my expectations moving forward.

I encourage you to detail out what you value about that person and then include what you need in order for the two of you to be successful. Is it that they don’t attend client meetings if they can’t stay the entire duration? Should they go off video if they are working on other things when on a client call? Is it that they actively work on not interrupting others in meetings? Whatever the ask, please be honest with them about your needs, because I guarantee you will still be kicking yourself years later for not finding your voice. 

Talk to your boss

There may come a point where you get asked to work with someone you do not get along with. Directly stating, “I don’t like him.” or “I don’t want to work with them.”, is most certainly the honest way to go about things, but it’s not the most professional. There are ways to say the exact same thing but in a more professional tone.

For example, I might say something like, “I find that in certain situations our working styles and personalities clash. Consequently, there are times where I don’t feel like I am showing up as my best self to work. I don’t like the feeling of not being able to bring 100% in front of the client. If our goal is to grow the business, we aren’t putting our best foot forward for this topic/project/client. I’m wondering if this the right constellation of people to drive this topic.”

If I were your boss, I would probably say, “I’m wondering what great things the two of you could accomplish if you learned to work through your differences.”. I think it is perfectly fine to communicate your shortcomings, but remember that you are an adult and will ultimately have to learn to work with people you don’t like.

Break down barriers

You will not like everyone you work with. It’s a fact, but it does help to remember that people are the way they are because of the experiences they had in their life. When we don’t enjoy working with someone it is easy to pick apart their faults instead of trying to find the good.

I once had an employee who I struggled to work with and, through getting to know him, found out that his brother had committed suicide a couple years prior. His life revolved around supporting his sister-in-law, as well as his niece and nephew. Getting to a point where he could open up to me like that really changed the dynamic of our relationship. After that conversation, I approached him with a little more compassion knowing how much he had on his plate.

While every individual may not being going through something to this magnitude, getting to know your colleagues personally helps break down barriers. And who knows? You might find you have something in common 😉.

Find your voice

As I close, I want to remind you that you can’t be honest with other people if you aren’t first honest with yourself. Honesty comes in all shapes sizes. I know it can be excruciating to find the words to tell someone how you feel. I truly believe that we are being our kindest selves when we are honest with our feelings and able to express them to others. Cathartic is probably the best adjective to describe the situation afterwards. That is why I want to encourage you to take some time today to really hone in on what you are struggling with. Figure out how you can work through those topics by finding your voice to address them. And remember: Being honest isn’t mean, it’s kind.